My suicide attempt.

This article is going to be about suicide and if it is a very triggering subject for you, which I can obviously understand, then do not hesitate to withdraw from the article so that you can take care of your well-being.

Earlier this year, I lost a childhood friend and today is suicide prevention day, so I want to dedicate this post to her and her family. Finally I want to take the opportunity to share my story with you, even if it costs me a lot to talk about it.

I was 13 or 14 years old and at that time I was a little chubby and I was only 1.45m tall. I was called “Haven Gnome”, “Garden Gnome” in danish. Finally, this is what a bunch of girls told me day after day. To this was added mockery about my deafness, my ears sticking out and they kept harping on me that I was less than nothing.
With my friends I pretended that it did not reach me and I kept silent with my family … I was good at letting nothing appear.
At night, under the duvet I cried until I fell tired. My suicidal thoughts started at that time.

One day, I went out jogging alone to lose my so-called excess weight. Of course, I didn’t hear the man who approached me from behind until he dragged me by force, his hand over my mouth, in an underground parking lot.

If you allow me, I will not go into the details of what happened at that time.

My assault was the last straw, I cracked. When I got home, I took Dad’s sleeping pills box and swallowed all of its contents.
I was so bad at that time, that I wonder if even without this event, I could have attempted my life.

I woke up in the hospital. What saved me was that I lost consciousness lying on my side and threw up some of what I had ingested. After a stomach wash everything went back to normal, I was very lucky, I didn’t have any physical damage.
Psychologically it was something else. I suffered from ogoraphobia for approximatively a year and dysmorphophobia for almost 2 years. I saw myself obese when I was not.

Then I met a boy who loved me for what I was, what I was having trouble conceiving, but thanks to this relationship and with the help of my family and Daria, a family friend who is a photographer, I gradually learned to get used to my body. And I realized that in 2 years I had gained 20 cm and that my curves were distributed in other places.
Today all is well in the best of worlds for me.

Reflection on suicide

Seeing that I never talk about what I did, (it’s the first time I talk about it openly since) I often hear my friends, who are not informed, saying that suicide is something stupid and they don’t understand how someone can do that. But suicide is not a stupid thing.
Let me explain.

I can only speak for myself, because that is what I believe and not something that I know. To say that suicide is a stupid act, it would already have to be reflected by an healthy mind, which would make a bad decision. But the peculiarity of a suicidal person is that his mind is anything but healthy. So you can’t really say that this is something stupid.

In my case, when I was so desperate, my attempt was never thought of. My brain was like disconnected, as if it had tripped. I can still see myself doing all my gestures but at no time did I think of the consequences. It’s a bit like my brain has tripped and my body acted automatically, going into the bathroom and opening that bottle, like I could have been on the roof to throw myself into the void.

I don’t want to give advice or anything about how to detect whether someone is suicidal or not, I’m not qualified for that. What I can say, however, is that you shouldn’t blame yourself if you haven’t seen any warning signs. Already being close to a person, I think that naturally we do not expect them to hide their unhappiness from us to the point that they can harm themselves. Finally personally I always did everything to hide my malaise from my loved ones because I did not want to be more of a burden than I was already for them as a deaf person.
The fact of not being able to imagine that the loved one can harm himself, combined with the fact that he hides his unhappiness, is to say that it is almost impossible to predict the suicide attempt of a loved one.

Denne artikel er dedikeret til Maggie og hendes familie, som alle mine tanker er rettet til.

Lil bro: Søren

This week I have not been very productive, I fear it, but I have a good reason!

At the moment, my little brother Søren is at home for at least 2 weeks. He’s my half-brother but it makes no difference to me. He is 10 years old and it is so good to see him!
Dad had Søren in one of his essays to rebuild his life, but there was a big argument with his mom. She left when he was 4 years old and since then I’ve only seen him 3 or 4 times.
You will understand that in these conditions I take advantage of my little devil and that my blog is not my priority! ^^
I’m not giving it up but I’m probably going to settle for one article a week rather than two until now.

Dear visitors, I love you! See you soon!

Deaf-hearing couples.

This is just a little personal reflection, on a question that I am often asked at the association: “How does it happen in a romantic relationship between a deaf and a hearing person?”

I speak here only from my point of view and my own feelings. I do not pretend to have absolute knowledge, on the contrary, I ask myself a lot of questions on this subject. If you have your own opinion, I would be happy to discuss it with you in the comments.

Many of you must be thinking, “But what does being deaf have to do with having a girl or a boyfriend? “
And although being deaf or hard of hearing (it is surely a bit the same for other handicaps), we always wonder if it will have an impact on our love life.

In a relationship between deaf people, it is “easy”. We have the same concerns so we understand each other. It is less embarrassing to repeat a sentence that you will have misunderstood, whether orally or in sign language.
With a hearing person, it’s very different. We are afraid of annoying the person who interests us by dint of having them repeat and doing so that they are disinterested in us.
Sometimes just announcing that you are deaf (or hard of hearing) is enough to scare some people away.

Between a deaf person and a hearing person, there is always a gap, because we do not live in the same world.
It is not a bad thing or anyone’s fault but it is so then it requires efforts of both parties to try to understand each other.

In the book “Finding Zoe” by Brandy Rarus, the deaf author describes her relationship with a hearing man. It was idyllic at first, but the more she got involved in the deaf culture, the more her boyfriend seemed to move away, which ended their relationship.

No matter how much a person can be involved in deaf culture, whether they have studied the subject or have deaf family … A hearing person will never be what it is to be deaf and what it brings.
In the past I’ve already loved, many times and each time I’m apprehensive of how the other will take the fact that I’m deaf.

How I am when I’m dating!

I’ve always had a close core of friends but I’m a very reserved person so I’ve done a lot of online dating, be it Okcupid or even Tinder! (yes I was desperate!).
But I never knew how to explain the fact that deafness was a part of me. I didn’t want people to reject me because of this. (It’s already happened).

Making contact :

After a few days, the time for the first Skype comes. It always makes me nervous. Indeed, I often have to ask them to type what they have to say and I think it must be a disadvantage to have to do it, it can annoy.

The encounter :

Me afraid to go to a first date! (I know I’m a good actress!)

Then we get used to it but at some point comes the time for the first meeting. As for everyone I suppose, there is the apprehension of “the-meeting-of-the-first-time”, but to that is added also the fear of “how-the-devil-is-that- communication-will-work ”! Fortunately for me, I read very well on the lips but according to the diction of each one, I need a time of adaptation, and to that is added that I am 100% deaf and not implantable, so I cannot help myself with the sound I would have heard to understand part of the conversation if he does not speak sign language.

The family presentation :

Finally if all his moments are going well, there is the presentation to the family. Personally I always apprehend, because that is when she realizes that you are deaf and that this is not harmless in everyday life, suddenly they do not know how to react and it can be very embarrassing.
With my first boyfriend’s family, it went very badly. I felt like the attraction of the evening, in the wrong sense of the word. I felt like the highlight of a freak-show! I was harassed with questions about my deafness and none about our couple …

Besides that in these kind of meetings, people often talk at the same time, which is very complicated for us to follow the conversations all the more since often several discussions get entangled at the same time which we totally lose … we ended up following our boyfriend like a disarmed puppy, and we feel very stupid…

Conclusion :

Be careful I don’t want to discourage deaf-hearing relationships, on the contrary my only two important stories were with a hearing person and they were wonderful. It exists and it works, but it requires investment on the part of the hearing partner, taking a minimum interest in deaf culture and sign language because it is a part of us.
On our side we must also make an effort to welcome them into our little world of ours by being compassionate and patient when they are awkward or when they find it difficult to understand us.
As in all couples, there are two of us. Efforts must therefore be made by both parties!

Easy cooking with Nilsa and her Gandmas: Garam Massala Curry

I didn’t know I will have so much fun at this time!

Sorry guys, I have the best grandparents in the world!
This weekend, I wasn’t in high spirits, so Saturday grandpa asked one of his friends, Jørgen, with whom he had done military service, if we could come to his house.
We went Grandpa, my Grandmas and I, from Copenhagen to Aalborg, about 4 hours away. And there, surprise Jørgen has a minigolf.
We had fun like crazy.

The next day to thank Jørgen we decided my Grandmothers and I to make him a good meal.

Here is our little recipe for a simple and cheap Garam Massala Curry.

The ingredients (for 4 to 5 peoples):

2 onions
6 garlic cloves
2 teaspoons of ginger
4 tablespoons garam massala powder
3 tablespoons of turmeric
3 tablespoons cumin
2 or 3 pinches of coriander leaves
6 tomatoes
4 potatoes
4 chicken breasts
2 plain yogurts
2 to 4 teaspoons of chilli, depending on your taste or suicidal tendencies (optional)
the juice of a lime

Preparation :

First, we will slice the onions, the and squeeze the garlic. Cut the chicken breasts into bite-size cubes, cut the tomatoes into small cubes like the potatoes.
It’s time to heat a pan with ideally ghee (Indian clarified butter) but if not, a little oil (any cooking oil) will do the trick. Once the oil is hot, fry the onions, garlic and ginger.
Add the spices (massala powder, turmecic and cumin) to roast them and bring out the tastes. After a few seconds, the chicken is slowly cooked.
When it is no longer white, add the tomatoes and potatoes.
Once the tomatoes have made their water we add the yogurt, it only remains to simmer until the potatoes become tender
When serving, add the juice of a limeand the coriander leaves. Accompany it with a little rice and I am sure that your guests will be delighted!

Enjoy your meal !

sources :

I use a recipe of french youtuber I like a lot when he talk about hisrory. He just open a cooking channel on youtube “Top Sheik”:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJhPPUgnd3nwYL3qPu8Ha6Q

For the french speacking who doesnt know his main channel “Histoire Brève”:

https://www.youtube.com/user/histoirebreve

Hi!

Yes I know, I was not very present this weekend, but I learned that a childhood friend had died, so I do not have too much morale.

We called her Maggie, I got to know her at the Folkeskole (in Denmark, we go there from 7 to 16 years old) and we lost sight of each other once this one was over. I learned the news after trying to organize a party with friends from that time to see how everyone had evolved.

In short, we were no longer really close but it brought back memories that upset me a little. So I preferred to stay cocooned by my grandmothers but I promise, I will come back to you very soon.

PS: Take care of you guys!

Love you!

Nilsa

Does it make noise?

Today I found my friend Pia !!!

We went to my deaf club to join a group of teenagers whose parents work. Yes, we played nannies, but in exchange, there was pizza!
Two of them, Tadeus and Morganne, are newly implanted so the discussion turned to their new ability to hear. And I must say that we had a lot of fun.

Morganne first told us about the sun, she was convinced that it must make noise, a bit like the hum of an engine, but in fact not. Then she told us about her astonishment, when for the first time she heard the sound of her fingers rubbing paper, a gesture that she thought inaudible before.
Finally she told us about cats, which annoy her because sometimes they make noise, and sometimes they act without making it.

Little Isabelle, deaf from birth, asked if the ice melting in the sun made noise. Everyone turned to Pia, the only hearing in our group who was very sorry to disappoint her by telling her that no.

Then I noticed Tadeus staring at my chest. I started to feel embarrassed, then without looking away he spoke.

“Do you know what surprised me the most? It’s that the boobs do not make noise, it really looks like! “

At that moment, Pia’s nose who was drinking his coke was transformed into a fountain and the whole assembly laughed out loud.
Once Pia’s nose drained, she could tell us that she found this conversation fascinating, because she questions what was only “obvious” to her.

This article does not do justice to our laughter but I hope you enjoyed it anyway!

Containment recipe: Spaghetti with drawer bottoms

Tonight came to realize that no one has been shopping for far too long in this house and that it is the crisis in the fridge.

After an archaeological excavation in the kitchen drawer bottoms which left me a beautiful bump (it will teach me not to close the cupboard doors!), I found a box of sardines, spaghetti and bread rassi … as well as half a moldy chicken leg that Abbot and Costello the maggots has chosen as their home.

I send Abbott and Costello with their house to the trash. Yes I know, I am cruel! Then I cooked the rest of the ingredients and I think the end result was not that bad.

So if you too are like me and you are struggling to cook at the moment, or you do not know what to cook, this is my containment recipe :

Ingrédients :

    • A can of sardines in oil;
     • Cooked spaghetti, but I’m almost sure it works with tagliatelle;
     • A piece of stale bread.

If your drawer is a cornucopia you can add:

     • A tablespoon of capers;
     • The zest of a lemon;
     • And a little parsley for the finish.

Preparation :

First cook your pasta.
Pour the sardine oil in a frying pan and heat it. Mix your piece of bread and toast your breadcrumbs thus obtained in the famous oil.
Add the pasta and mashed sardines to the fork (personally I like my pasta toast a bit at that time.)

When ready to serve, you can add the capers, the zest of your lemon and the parsley.

Enjoy your meal !

Difficult to be deaf in times of Corona virus.

For 3 months, with all these masks in the street, I have the impression of living in an episode of Naruto. Yes, you should be happy if you are a manga fan, but personally I find it oppressive!
Ok it’s hard for everyone to live, I understand that it’s complicated for everyone, but imagine that when you leave your house, you no longer hear any sound, a deafening silence?

When I leave my house, I can no longer communicate with anyone. Everyone is masked, so I can no longer read the lips of my interlocutors. And I can no longer speak sign language. Indeed, many signs are based on facial expressions. It’s a bit like if you had to start talking overnight without using vowels.
Fortunately for me, I am lucky to be with my family at home, but I have a thought for all deaf people who must or must have been confined alone at home.

To receive the information, I am happy to see that the newspapers have started to offer interpreters more often. However, they are often very small in the corner of the picture and it is not always very easy to understand them even when you have good eyesight. To this must be added that many deaf people suffer from Usher syndrome which, in addition to giving profound deafness, causes a progressive loss of visual acquittal going as far as blindness.

I can only imagine that, I have my family to keep me up to date but to know that a crisis of such magnitude is going on and not being able to get information properly, all this added to the feeling of ‘isolation…

Some of us are going through a very difficult time so if you have a neighbor, a friend or even only a deaf acquaintance, while respecting a safe distance of course, try to communicate with him without your mask to see how he feels right now and if he manages to get well informed. In any case, he will be infinitely grateful.

Either way, whether you are deaf, hard of hearing or hearing, take care of yourself and your loved ones!
As for me I say see you soon! 😉

Hey guys, I’m back!

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything to you …

If I have been away for so long, it is for several reasons.

I was asked to marry and I said yes, then I said no … well I ran away but I think the message was understood … Yeah, I know, I’m a complicated girl.

I had already explained it earlier in my blog but last September, I started a year of school in France, everything was going well but after 6 months I had to return to Denmark.
My Dad had serious health problems. I don’t want to go into details but I had to take care of him as well as my grandparents who were, you can imagine very worried. Thank goodness, now he’s much better.

“Du er de urokkelige søjler, der får mig til at stå dag efter dag i vanskelige tider, og uden hvilke jeg ikke ville vide, hvem jeg er. Jeg elsker dig så meget!“

Finally, the Corona (why this 🤬 have stolen me my nickname!!! 😡) arrived and I confined myself with my dad and my grandparents and I live a hell. They are so hard to bear! Every day I have to put up with good little cooked meals, get sore zygomatics by dint of laughing at grandpa’s jokes, and worst of all, I have to endure hugs of everyone, but luckily I have a companion who supports me! 😻

Anyway, for me it’s time to go, it’s time to go shopping, but I promise, I won’t leave you as long as the last time. 😁

A trip in Denmark? Go to visit Christiania, the real Wonderland.

In my city of hearts, Copenhagen, there is a unique place in all of Europe, the district of Christiania on the island of Christianshavn.
Christiania is a singular place in the sense where for 40 years it was a self-managed city included in the city of Copenhagen, with its own currency, its laws and its flag.

In 1971, after the destruction of the former military base of Bådsmandsstræde (barracks of the princess in Danish), the journalist Jacob Ludvigsen declared the opening of the “free city”.
The goal was to create a self-managed, financially self-sustaining society where each individual would take care of their neighbor and the entire community, to fight physical and psychological misery.

Founded by Hippies, the district is known for its free sale of cannabis and other culinary specialty containing it. Although hard drugs have always been banned (as well as cars and guns, which is not the case in the rest of the country). their consumption led to banishment (which is always the case). It is this flexibility on recreational products that will cause its end.
Indeed, social experience will have held until 2013, after its special statu was withdrawn by the parliament.

In fact, I advise you not to buy pastries or lollipops, you could have surprises!
The stalls selling cannabis and other products have never really disappeared, it is just forbidden to photograph them.

Christiania is today a very lively and festive district, the houses are colorful, there is many street shows and concerts. Finally, there are many bars, restaurants and theaters at a much more affordable price than in any Copenhagen.
It’s not about drugs (I do not use them), but for all its other aspects Christiania is my Wonderland.